Merit Badges and Mayhem
by Vati Kazimir
Summary: Snape centered fic. What happens when the Ministry decides to have Hogwarts double as a summer camp to protect students and their parents from the Dark Lord? Snape humor of course! Rated for later underwear perversion. Ch. 3 is up!
1. Ch 1: Why is Snape Wearing That?

Merit Badges and Mayhem  
  
Black Kat: _SNAAAAAAAPE! MUST HUG NECK NOOOOOOOW!  
_  
Rose9999: (rolls eyes) We're big Snape fans, but we enjoy Shape humor too.  
  
Black Kat: (tackles Snape) _We own nothing! The plot bunnies own the plot idea, but the characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Maybe I can buy you on E- Bay, Snapey!_   
  
Rose9999: Cut us some slack. This is our first fic. I know it's kinda dry and fast, but I'll make it better later.  
  
Ch. 1: Off to Camp We Go. A.K.A. Why is Snape Wearing That?  
  
"HARRY POTTER, GET DOWN HERE AT ONCE!" came Uncle Vernon's angry voice up the stairs.  
  
Harry sighed and trudged down into the living room, wishing that he could be left alone.  
  
It was the start of summer and Harry had only been home for three weeks. He'd gotten various letters from Ron and Hermione, but unbeknownst to him, his guardians just got theirs.  
  
Walking up to his uncle and aunt, he took a deep breath and exhaled.  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
His uncle turned an angry gaze at him and proceeded to scan the letter.  
  
"Just what is this? They have no right to tell us what to do. What's this all about?"  
  
Harry took the letter and read it.  
  
Dear Guardians of Harry Potter,  
  
As the threat of attack has increased, the Ministry of Magic has required that all Hogwarts students attend a special summer camp. We will expect Mr. Potter to be at the train station on June 26th at 6:00 A.M. sharp. We are sorry to inconvenience you at this time.  
  
Signed,  
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster  
  
Vernon's eyes scrutinized Harry as he read the letter.  
  
"What's all this talk about attacks?"  
  
Harry thought quickly. He couldn't just outright tell them about the Dark Lord's return. No, that would be dangerous and now was not the time to jeopardize anyone, even the Dursleys.  
  
"You know that Sirius Black is still at large. The Ministry just wants to take precautions. They can't have anyone hurt."  
  
The idea of summer camp at Hogwarts sounded interesting to Harry and he would do anything to go back. He couldn't blow his one chance to get away again.  
  
"There is no way we are driving to London just to take you to that freak school!" his uncle shouted.  
  
"Fine, then. I'll take the bus," Harry said, turning swiftly and heading upstairs to retrieve his luggage and Hedwig.  
  
After he had dashed out the door, he made his way to the curb where he'd first been picked up by the Night Bus.  
  
Soon enough, it arrived and the young wizard stepped aboard, readily grabbing something stable to steady himself once it'd taken off.  
  
"Well, Harry Potter again, eh? Where to, boy?"  
  
"The Leaky Cauldron."  
  
Suddenly, the bus was flying down the road toward London and the pub, jolting Harry from his vertical position and situating him on a bed.  
  
The bus ride was quieter than the previous, only because Harry didn't have much to say this time. He knew that the entire wizarding world would know about the Dark Lord's return by now and there would be no reason to bring it up.  
  
Once there, Harry got off and made his way inside to see none other than his friends sitting at a nearby table eating dinner.  
  
"Harry! What are you doing here?" cried Hermione as she rushed toward him.  
  
"Uncle wouldn't bring you?" asked Ron.  
  
Harry nodded solemnly as he embraced Mrs. Weasly who continued to fuss over his current state of physicality.  
  
"Yeah, about right," he grunted, letting the twins carry his trunk upstairs.  
  
(A/N: The next few sentences are about to drive this story straightforward. What do you want, a night at a pub and a long elaborate train ride or Snape humor? I prefer the latter. Also, break the camp name down and you'll get the joke. If not, my condolences on your thickness.)  
  
After a restless night with little sleep and a long train ride, Harry was glad to see the familiar towers and tresses of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
However, when they reached the gate, they began to notice several changes. Instead of the school name across the gate, 'Camp Whompanogre' replaced it.  
  
Hagrid was nowhere to be seen and instead, the group was met with their 'favorite' teacher, Severus Snape. However, instead of being clad in his robes, he sported the most...unusual outfit.  
  
"If you have anything to say about my uniform, say it now or hold your peace," he growled.  
  
Silence was heard as everyone stared, and a sight it was indeed. Snape was clad in an orange shirt with the camp logo across the chest in a deep forest green and a matching sun visor. His pallid legs were exposed by _TIGHT_ khaki shorts followed by black knee socks and high top sneakers with a purple paisley lanyard around his neck onto which was attached a silver whistle.  
  
"Follow me and stay quiet."  
  
All obeyed, but many couldn't help but grin widely at each other. The Potions Master was definitely not enjoying this at all and this would be remembered from years to come.  
  
As they reached a wooden stage, they saw their headmaster clad in about the same outfit, except his shorts were black and a bit baggier than Snape's.  
  
As the students took their seats, they were given uniforms and handbooks while Snape ran up to Dumbledore.  
  
"Sir, may I ask why I must wear these?" he asked, baring his teeth and tugging a bit at the shorts.  
  
"Severus, I cannot control Muggle mail services. I cannot help it if your order was mixed up with a," he took out a slip of paper, "Miss Cindy Parker of Ohio," he said laughingly.  
  
Snape glowered at him and returned to the side of the stage.  
  
"Well, at least we know what caused that," Ron whispered to Harry and Hermione.  
  
Harry grinned and nodded quickly as Dumbledore stood to make his welcome speech.  
  
"Students, I would like to welcome you to the opening of Camp Whompanogre. As you may know, the Dark Lord has returned and the Ministry feels that the safety of you and your peers is quite critical. Until further notice, you must stay here in both summer and school year. However, your parents shall reside here as well, so getting homesick will do you no justice. Helping us with camp is one of our former teachers, Professor Remus Lupin."  
  
This statement was met with thunderous applause as the ex-professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts made a small bow.  
  
"Professor Lupin will be helping Hagrid as a co-head of Natural Sciences. Professor Trelawney will guide us in Arts and Crafts, while Professor McGonnagal will head campfire activities. Professor Snape shall head the meals in the Mess Hall, and I shall oversee sporting events. If you will, now turn your attention to the bulletin board where your cabin and troop lists are located. With this, I only have to say, have fun with it."  
  
The crowd roared as they gathered around the lists to see whom their troop would be. Troops were the combined sexes with separate cabins for boys and girls located in the Forbidden Forest and one teacher as a troop leader. The paths and cabins had been enchanted so that no danger would befall them while their parents resided in the castle.  
  
"I hope we get Hagrid," Harry said to Hermione as they waited for Ron to return with the information.  
  
"No such luck, mate," the redhead replied, running back.  
  
"Well, who do we have?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Troop Thirteen, Troop Leader...Professor Snape."

End Chapter One...  
  
Rose9999: Gasp! Shock! Who saw that coming?! Well, that's it for Chapter one! You like it, hate it? Just review!)  
  
Black Kat: _SNAAAAAAAAPE! MUST HUG NOOOW!_  
  
Snape: ... Help me...


	2. Ch 2: Snape can Cook?

Rose9999: Heya folks! We're back with a second chapter!  
  
_Black Kat: YAAAY SNAAPE! (hugs his neck) Alas, we don't own Harry Potter or Snape...or anyone for that matter.  
_  
Rose9999: Serenity! We own her as an original character, but that's it! Enjoy!  
  
**Chapter 2: Flap Jacks and a Nature Hike A.K.A. Snape Can Cook?**  
  
Harry grimaced at his friend's news.  
  
"Why Snape? Of all people, why Snape?" he mumbled.  
  
He, Ron, and Hermione grabbed their duffels and trudged to the cabin like they were walking to their execution from death row.  
  
When they arrived, they found that Snape had not yet gotten there, probably due to his look-at-my-crotch pants and bad attitude.  
  
(A/N: Thanks for that phrase, SiriousB1!)  
  
Looking around, they spotted Malfoy who was milling around alone for once.  
  
"Looks like Crabbe and Goyle got someone else," Ron whispered.  
  
Harry nodded as he noticed a girl standing by the door of the girl's cabin. He didn't recognize her from years before and she looked like a sixth year student like himself.  
  
She raised her gaze to reveal emerald green eyes from under her black hair, which was scarily greasy like the Potions Master's.  
  
Slowly making her way toward them, she tripped over Malfoy's bag and fell, spilling it's contents.  
  
"I'm so sorry, mate," she said, thick Australian accent rolling off her tongue like molasses.  
  
"Sorry! Look at what you've done!" yelled the Slytherin, pulling out a wand.  
  
Before Harry or the others could help her, she grabbed the wand and drug Malfoy to the ground, pinning his shoulders to the dirt with her arms.  
  
"Listen, mate. I said sorry. Do that again an' you'll see first hand how we skin Dingoes," she growled.  
  
Getting up, she kicked him swiftly with her boot and made her way to Harry and his friends again.  
  
"G'day, mate. Name's Serenity, what's yours?" she asked pleasantly.  
  
Harry took her hand and shook it.  
  
"I'm Harry, and this is Ron and Hermione."  
  
"A pleasure to meet you blokes and Sheila. I transferred 'ere from Australia and I don't know anyone. Turns out I'm a Slytherin, bu' tha' doesn't mean we can't be friends, righ'?"  
  
"Of course not," said Hermione, eyeing the new girl's belt.  
  
Serenity stood at a massive six foot six with black hair as far as the small of her back hanging in a loose ponytail wrapped around her neck and shoulders. Her bangs and hat shadowed her green eyes and tanned face. She wore a man's shirt and khaki shorts. Attached to her belt was a large hunting knife.  
  
The girl smiled as she caught the young witch's gaze.  
  
"It's alrigh', I'm used to it. So..." she was cut short by the return of their troop leader.  
  
Snape walked into the clearing, bow legged and trying his best to make the pants fit. His legs were covered with scratches and marks from the bush. Much to everyone's surprise, Serenity began to laugh.  
  
"You look like you've been dragged into a dingo's den, mate! 'Aven't you eva been through the bush before?"  
  
Snape scowled at her but said nothing of it.  
  
"It's getting late. Get to your cabins and go to bed. You're to be up at five thirty sharp. Good night."  
  
He grumbled as he walked to the back of the cabin with a medical bag as Serenity continued to laugh.  
  
Soon, everyone had gone to bed and the night passed quite quickly.  
  
The next morning, Professor Lupin was at the door, waking them up and Snape was nowhere to be seen.  
  
The students dressed and followed him down a dirt path.  
  
"Professor, what happened to Professor Snape?" asked Malfoy.  
  
"You'll see," Lupin grinned.  
  
Inside the Mess Hall, they soon found out why their troop leader had been missing. Plates of flapjacks covered the tables and inside the kitchen, they saw Snape making more.  
  
"Snape can cook?" whispered Ron.  
  
"Guess so," Harry replied.  
  
Snape glared at Lupin and handed him a plate.  
  
"Well, sit down and eat them before they dry out," he barked.  
  
They silently obeyed and began eating the buttery goodness that Snape had spawned from hours of labor over a hot stove.  
  
"Longbottom, don't stare at the syrup! It's not poisoned!"  
  
Lupin laughed as Snape continued to try and convince the students that his food was not tainted and/or poisoned.  
  
Serenity laughed as she got a mug of tea from the urn.  
  
"Bloody 'ell, it's hot!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Of course it is, how else would you drink it?" asked Ron.  
  
Hermione sighed and glared at him.  
  
"She's from Australia, so she drinks tea cold," she said, flicking her wand at the Aussie's glass.  
  
The steam subsided and she took a sip.  
  
"Thanks, 'Ermione. Do you blokes care to try i'?"  
  
Harry nodded and took a sip.  
  
"Wow! Ron, try this!"  
  
"No way, that's just wrong."  
  
"Come on, just try!"  
  
The redhead rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat.  
  
"Fine."  
  
A few minutes later, he was begging Serenity to teach him how to perform the cooling spell.  
  
The other troops had already come in, when suddenly, Hagrid came in with news.  
  
"Troops thirteen an' nine are scheduled for a hike this morning at seven 'o' clock sharp!" he announced.  
  
Serenity smiled as she saw Snape grimace at the thought of having to hike through the bush again.  
  
"Looks like our dear troop leader could use some motivation," she said with a sly grin, "'Is should be interesting." 


	3. Ch 3: Underwear Perversion

**Ch. 3: Underwear Perversion**

The hike started out fairly well, nothing to really worry about until they came to the boundaries of the Forbidden Forest. This did not set well with Draco as he remembered the horrors that lay beneath it's tranquil exterior. This led to his blatant refusal to venture any further.

"I'm not going in there! Those freakish beasts will eat me!"

Serenity took this time to prey upon his fears a bit as she quietly sidled up to him from behind. Wrapping a long arm around his neck, she directed his gaze towards hers with her hand, locking eyes with him.

"You don't go in, mate; and I'll have to stay here with you..." she whispered sadistically.

Malfoy's eyes widened with terror, his face draining of any color it had possessed before. His legs locked, refusing to run as the rest of his body trembled with her words. She was large, and her presence was immense. That, topped by her assumed lack of mental stability made her quite intimidating.

"I know what you've got in that pretty little trunk of yours, mate. I'm not above revealing everything. You and I are gonna have a little chat during this hike. From now on, you'll be my 'special friend'," she hissed.

A shout to keep up by Lupin put the two back on track, still staying slightly behind as they entered the Forest. Although day had since broken, the area was as black as night, sending a foreboding message to those brave enough to enter. For this reason, and to keep Draco from bolting, she kept her arm around his shoulders as she gently guided him.

"A little faerie, aren't you? Stealin' 'Arry's underwear and all... Shameful business, isn't it? Wot you do wi' it? You hide it in your trunk, that's wot. So, wot is it really that gets you turned on, eh?"

The pale boy whimpered something unintelligable, eyes darting around with fear that someone would hear them. Serenity had kept her voice low, though, and she knew that even if someone did hear, they'd most likely take it as a bluff and threat.

The group ahead had stopped to observe a rather large man-eating plant. The Aussie girl suddenly thrust Malfoy into a nearby bush, a hand over his mouth as her body pressed him tightly against a tree.

"How do ya' do it? How do ya' get it wi'out him knowing? Wot's your secret, mate?"

Her eyes were hungry with a powerful lust, which scared Malfoy even more. She was nuts; completely and totally out of her mind.

"At night," he whispered hoarsly, "when he's asleep. I grab them from the pile beside his bed. Why?"

"Mate, I adore your little faerie ways. That plan may work on 'Arry, but wot about...a professor?"

"A professor? What...Who?"

Her green orbs flashed around to make sure they weren't being followed. Apparently, Neville had gotten his arm caught by the plant and was now being flung about and causing enough ruckus that the two of them wouldn't be heard.

"Snape... I want 'is undies."

Malfoy was about to shout when Serenity's hand clamped tightly around his mouth. When he'd finally calmed down, she removed it, her face grave.

"I know wot you're thinkin' and I know it's not exactly proper, but the man's gorgeous; a real beauty if you will. I'm willin' to make you a deal. If you help me steal his underwear, that little shrine in your trunk will stay a secret, alrigh'?"

"You want me to help you steal Professor Snape's underwear? That's crazy! So what if you tell them I've got a shrine to Harry in my trunk? You'll still be caught stealing his underwear and be shamed," he bluffed.

"You're right, mate; but I know a thousand ways to seduce a man, even a faerie like you. If you expose me, I'll take you and have you for hours on end. I especially like it when they try to run. That's when I get to use my whips, an' I love blood-sports."

She ran her fingertips gently down his forehead and nose, ending lightly on his lips.

"What say you, little boy? Will you teach me?"

Draco was certain that if she touched him one more time he'd flood his pants. He knew deep down that she wasn't bluffing and there was nothing left for him to do but agree to help her. After all, no one could know about his shrine. He didn't even know how she knew, but he figured that she'd keep her word.

"Alright, I'll help; but not because I want to," he muttered.

He squealed slightly as he felt her hand tighten around his crotch slightly before releasing it, leaving him standing in a puddle of his own piss.

"Let's see something, now... Wot color does the faerie wear 'neath 'is robes?" she hissed, flinging them up.

"Red an' black lace? Nice," she smiled, lowering them.

With that, she turned and walked away, leaving him to stand there while she went off to help tend to Neville's wounds. The plant had been subdued, but it had left several long gashes in the boy's arm.

A sudden rustle behind him found him bolting behind her, sprinting to catch up. For the rest of the day he'd stay with her, afraid to leave lest she decide to expose him. He'd have to change his panties later.

((Credit for Malfoy's underwear fetish and Harry trunk shrine go to the Vampire Sephy. She totally owns that idea, not I. I just wanted to let you know I'm not stealing it, 'cuz I'm not. Ilove you, Sephy! **_throws cookies and Snape Nuggets at her_** ))


End file.
